Criteria or a process of diminshing* others' odds

As I sat at my desk at work, I leaned back in my chair in between typing some note on some patient (you can tell I was really into it today) and I noticed my photo frames on my desk: one with a picture that is a year old of my and a friend when my hair was a totally different hair color and style and then three other completely empty frames with 6 empty photo slots. Out loud I said to no one in particular, "I need to get my family pictures printed and put them in my frames."
Of course, my most favorite colleague, Nic (from here forward he'll be known as Nicky since he loves that name as much as the name he calls me at work) turned around and said, "No! You're suppose to put pictures of your husband in picture frames."
First of all, I am not married or even remotely close to it (i.e. no actual romantic relationship with a male human being; I have fantasies perhaps but not a real relationship. I didn't confess this to Nicky at the time but by the end of the conversation [of which he was more a spectator than a participant after this point] I'm sure he figured this detail out). Second of all, Nicky is married and has been married to his high school sweetheart (and only girlfriend) for four years. I think they've been together for about 10 years total.
So I sarcastically said, "Yeah, I went looking for one of those on the streets and failed. I figured my family would be the next best thing in those frames."
His response: "You're probably looking for the wrong thing."
In steps my supervisor, Mike, and Nicky fills him in on me needing a husband and I say Nicky's trying to find one for me. Mistake #1: Mike was let into the conversation. Mistake #2: I allowed the conversation to continue.
Mike: So do you have any criteria?
Me: Nope.
Mike: So does he have to be Mormon.
Me: That would be best.
Mike: Let's talk about age. (No, let's not, Mike.) 18?
(Oh, come on! I'm 25, done with grad school, sarcastic, I intimidate all walks of life (I've been told that by multiple people at various points in my life), and flirt with everyone. Do you really think an 18 year old could handle that?)
Me: NOOOOOOOO!
Mike: 21? Maybe?
Me: Probably not.
Mike: 24?
Me: I think so. (yeah, I think that'd be ok)
Mike: 23?
Me: (I hesitated) Uhhhh, I'm not so sure. Maybe.
Mike: What about 30?
Me: I think I could do that.
Mike: 35?
Me: I think that would be pushing it. (I believe we finally settled at 32)
Mike: Now what about height? 5'2"
(Honestly, what did he expect me to say. I'm a girl. I wear heels sometimes and I'm 5'6" in my socks. What part of 5'2" is masculine, protecting and macho and all that crap girls look for?)
Me: No.
Mike: 5'6"? (Mean while Nicky is sitting in the corner chiming in every once in a while with some jibberish and I think he's also getting nervous as we near his height of 5'8")
Me: I don't think that would cut it.
Mike: 5'7"?
Me: I could probably do that.
Mike: What about 6'7"?
Me: I think that might be too tall.
(Really, that might be too tall. I couldn't imagine trying to make a move on such a huge guy. I feel like I'd have to climb a mountain to get to his face. That would be way too much effort for me. I don't know what ceiling height we eventually agreed on. Then he wanted to go into hair color and I wouldn't go there.)
Mike: So far we have that he should be Mormon (or open to religion), 24 to 32, and taller than 5'6". That sounds like criteria to me.

Alright, I admit it, that does sound like criteria. However, a criterion is a standard on which a judgment can be based. I like to think of these sorts of standards more like ways for me to lower a large portion of the population's odds of getting passed my front door*. Everyone has a chance to fill a relationship's shoes*, but some have minuscule chances and others have gigantic chances. I'd rather allow myself to focus on the one's that have a gigantic chance. So, for all you 5'2", 20 year old, atheists out there, don't waste your time. For now, I'm just going to put those family pictures I finally got printed off today after work in those frames. No husband. Sorry, Nicky!

*I stand corrected: there are some people who have absolutely no chance of getting passed my front door and create an absolute criterion of no romantic relationship. Those individuals are the creepy ones. Here's an example (a message I got on facebook): "Hello Analee, I'm Marcos' friend and would love to befriend you if I could. Have a great day. He was telling me that you are single :)...." No, I don't think we can be friends regardless of what mutual friends we have. Creepy.

Sometimes you just gotta sing

Here's a few songs that explain how I feel (or will feel at some future point) during the days that life so lovingly throws at me:

When I'm in need of a friend




When I'm prego




When I get married (morning ceremony with evening reception is a MUST)




When I get that crazy patient at work




When I'm at my wits end




When it's winter in Oregon (speaking about the sun)




When a drunk guy hits on me




To my roommates before I go to bed




When I watch the news



Every day of my life....

The smell test

Speaking of smells (see previous post), I always do the smell test: if I'm not sure an article of clothing is dirty, I smash my nose into the cloth and breathe deep. If my nostrils close up from noxious stimuli, it's safe to say that should go in the hamper. If nothing happens it could be safe. Usually at this point I'll do a second smell just to make sure that nothing sneaked by me.

I saw on a TV talk show once during a wardrobe make-over that the "smell test" is not okay. Even know as I'm a working woman I still beg to differ. What's even worse is that I saw the show probably 10 years ago! I still remember thinking, "Man, I must not know a thing about fashion." Nope, washing your clothes after every wear isn't necessarily good. Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning? That can be expensive! There is no way I'm going to wear a dress once, spend $10 to get it cleaned only to repeat the process again soon down the road. And what about line drying and ironing? In Oregon it can take a while to get things to dry and ironing just sucks so I'm going to do it as little as possible. And, washing is harsh on the fibers so if done in excessive amounts the clothing will wear out faster.

Therefore, to save water, energy, money and my time, I'm just going to keep on smelling my shirts, pants, shorts and dresses to know whether or not they're still wearable or if the hamper will be there temporary home between laundry days.

How do I smell?

On Saturday I went to the MAC counter with my fantastic friend (FF) to get beautified. While I was there I got a smokey-eye look in a purple hue to help make my green eyes appear more green (as a side note they did look really green!). FF also got a smokey eye look in a super dark purple (almost black) that looked A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!! With her blonde hair and clear green eyes it was HOT! Anyways, sufficed to say we looked smokin' with our smokey eyes walking around the mall.

As we went to yet another make-up store where I proceeded to purchase oh-so-needed supplies, we only intensified the beauty that we were. Then, I remembered how FF had told me about a great perfume that she always gets compliments on and, knowing that I love perfume, I wanted to find out what it was and potentially purchase it.

So as we walked back towards our cars to head to dinner (we were starving at this point), we found the perfume: Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf. I know that perfume smells differently on skin than on the tester cards and since the price ranges from $45-$150, we figured it would be wise to try it out first before I fork out yet more dough to intensify the beauty even more (I mean seriously, two make-up stores in one night should be enough). Then it was off to dinner at Red Robin's.

As we sit down, I state something like: "I should have some guy smell my wrist and tell me what he think." Now, keep in mind, we both are done up more than is usual for just a girls' night out to Red Robin's and I was kind of joking when I said that. But FF thought that was a great idea so when our male server came back around to take our dinner orders, he got so much more: with a little smile and head tilt, I said, "So, I'm trying out this new perfume and I want to make sure that it smells good on me before I buy it so will you smell my wrist?" He gently leaned down as I placed my wrist in front of his nose and took a whiff. Then he added: "I like it. I think I smelled you when you walked in the door!" With that, it was a done deal: Viktor & Rolf is gonna make at least $45 off of me in the near future.

The greatest thing about his comment is that is exactly the comments FF gets when she wears Flowerbomb. Now, we just can't wear it at the same time while together. Seriously, we can't have that much female awesomeness in one area without hurting someone I'm sure.

"Oh, he's so cute! What's his name?" "Audio Science."

Why, oh why, do parents think it is awesome to pick the craziest name for their children. And when I say parents I specifically am referring to celebrity parents. Audio Science? Seriously, Shannyn Sossamon, what were you thinking! Do you really think your child is not going to be made fun of at shcool? Granted, having a "normal" name does not keep someone from being made fun of but it sure helps keep the odds down. Compared to Audio Science, Gweneth Paltrow's little Apple sounds like a delicious name.

Addendum to Theme Songs

I cannot believe I forgot about this theme song. I'll tell the back-story before I tell the song:

I was at a table with a bunch of friends and I brought up this idea of personal theme songs (see previous post). Most of them rolled their eyes and thought it was dumb. Of course, I was insistent that it was a legitimate idea and even stated, "I've had one for years." Without skipping a beat, a male friend looked over at me and stated: "What is it? Maneater?" Immediately the table was roaring in laughter.

I jumped to my defense: "I am not a maneater!" OK, that was a lame defense and yet so true. I do not eat men*. However, everyone else at the table was convinced and murmured to each other in hushed tones of agreeance with our mutual male friend. Now, I must add that this male friend is really the male version of a true maneater (i.e. a womanizer) so I think he was hoping I'd be a maneater just so he'd have a little bit of competition.

*As I think about my current theme song, Conquest, I must make a note that conquering men is much different than eating them. Eating them infers that I am hungry for them and, thus, seeking them out. Conquering them only after they have hunted me first is totally different.

Theme Songs (they see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin' and tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty...)

So sorry to all my blog followers (That means my one follower... you know who you are!). I've been neglecting my blog for a good 5+ weeks. So I'm gonna try hard to get back in the groove. So here goes.

A few years ago I heard on the radio the host (one local DJ named Daria) talking about theme songs. And not just any theme songs but people's theme songs. Here is a definition of a personal theme song: the song that would play as you passed the threshold from one room to the next that gives the other individuals in the room an idea of who you are. Now, it's not necessarily your favorite song. It's just a song that when you hear it you think, "Oh my gosh! That is so despriptive of me right now."

Also, it may not be words. It can also be instrumental. For example, the Jaws theme song only consists of 2 notes and yet I'm sure someone out there thinks those 2 notes give others an idea of who they are better than their own words could. I know someone that chose the old Batman TV show song as his personal theme song.

Now, I have had 3 solid theme songs the past few years. The first was "A Girl Like You" by Edwyn Collins. I believe it's these lyrics (as well as the piano playing) that sums up why it was my theme song: "And now you've come along/ Yes you've come along/ And I've never met a girl like you before." I think I like the idea of someone turning his head as I saunter on by, striking up a conversation and then thinking to himself (or saying out loud, doesn't matter), "I've never met a girl like you."

The second song is relatively new: "Conquest" by The White Stripes. The very first time I heard this song on the radio, a slow smile crept across my face; it looked like Edwyn Collins was being pushed aside (thanks for the past 6 years of bliss!) as a new theme song was rollin' in. Basically, the whole song is me (or my version of me. Meaning, me in my head if not always acted out), but I'll state the lyrics that are really me:

"And then in the strange way things happen
The roles were reversed from that day
The hunted became the huntress
The hunter became the prey

Conquest-
Now you know who made the conquest
She, with all her female guile
Led him helpless down the aisle
She had finally made a conquest"

I can think of a few rather recent... um... incidences... that I feel this has happened--the hunted became the huntress, the hunter became the prey. Really, there's nothing more I think I can say about this theme song.

The third theme song is "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash. I must admit this is not as cool as the other two, but it is so explanatory of me at this time. Basically, should I stay or should I go? Seriously, that has been the question since I just graduated from physical therapy school and must get a job. Now, I have made a decision and that is to stay--I got a job not too far from where I'm living (the debate was between Oregon [stay] or Southern California [go]). This means that the Clash no longer is my theme song and only lasted for about 2 months. I guess I am reverting back to the White Stripes until I hear another song that moves me and I feel would play well as I walk through the door to any room in my house, your house or the White House. Or a song I can smile to as I play my ipod while at the gym.